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Rank #1 in Google Search Results - Secrets Revealed by Matt Cutts

[Google, Optimization]

Disclaimer: This post is satirical in nature. Don't attempt to implement any strategies outlined below.

"How do you rank #1 in Google?", a question that has plagued SEOs for over a decade. Unfortunately, in an effort to protect the quality of their search results from manipulation by blackhat SEOs, Google has never publicly divulged the specifics of the most important ranking factors. Without keeping things close to the vest, honest white hat SEOs wouldn't stand a chance as Google search results would be overrun with webspam. Imagine the quality of search results degrading in the same way your inbox has over the years - 90% garbage. Still, over the years SEOs have been able to reverse engineer Google's algorithms to some extent and determine that inbound links (both quantity and quality), domain trust/authority and keyword optimized content are among the most important ranking factors. Of course, webspammers (as always) abuse the privilege of this information and so Google must constantly adapt. At this point Google does still use traditional ranking criteria as part of their algorithm, but they are also getting better at detecting web spam (Google Penguin) and lowering rankings of low quality sites (Google Panda updates) every day. Additionally they're looking more at social signals (sharing and popularity on Google+, Facebook and Twitter) and fresh content (blogging, etc.). Arming yourself with with simple knowledge contained in the previous paragraph is a great first step in learning how to optimize your site for organic search on Google, though admittedly these points are pretty vague. They're basically just the items we know that Google considers *generally*, but no one knows specifics like how many links you should have to your site, specific word count for content pages, how often you should update your blog, etc... UNTIL NOW! UK SEO consultant Sam Applegate has uncovered what appear to be outtakes from past Google Webmaster Central videos featuring the head of Google's webspam team Matt Cutts. After watching one of his videos we're usually left with more questions than answers, so I'm sure he hoped these newly discovered clips would have remained on the cutting room floor. Fortunately for you, me and all of the other webmasters out there, these clips were discovered and assembled into a YouTube clip that will tell you under 3 minutes how to rank #1 in Google! (h/t Barry Schwartz)
In the clip, Cutts highlights the following items as the most critical factors in getting your site ranked #1 in Google search results:
  • "Breast"
  • Ideal keyword density is 77%
  • Get the same phrase on the page as many times as possible
  • Keyword stuff
  • Link to porn sites
  • You'll rank higher if you run Adsense ad

Disclaimer: This post is satirical in nature. Don't attempt to implement any strategies outlined above.